Monday, October 30, 2006

A normal, regular, average guy


To many gay men, I don't know maybe even most, I'm a gay man who doesn't seek out sexual encounters regularly. In fact, my sexual activity with another man often is several months in between.

I'm a single gay man. I don't go to gay bars, I don't look for hook-ups online or on street corners.

I've always considered myself a normal, regular, average guy; but when I compare myself to other gay men (or even men in general) I tend to think that I'm not all that "normal" when it comes to sex.

As a gay man, I've had my moments; mostly immediately following my acknowledgement and acceptance of my sexuality to myself.

The sexual hookup has long since ceased to bring me any comfort or satisfation.

However, I am still a man and now and then I feel certain things. There are times when I want to touch another man, feel him; be touched and felt. Sometimes this urge is so powerful, I tread very closely to making a mistake, a bad decision.

Those are the times when I kind of frighten myself.

There is more to life, more to a relationship than sex. I know that. I desire that; not sex, but if it should happen, a relationship.

I struggle sometimes with sex. Desire and yearning can sometimes be so overpowering. There are times when I feel I may be able to release and give up my integrity for a physical encounter.

I admonish myself for these thoughts and feelings, yet I understand how natural and real they are. As with everything else in life, it's all about CHOICE. Will I choose SEX over WHO I am? It's threatening, but so far, recently, I've not.

Isn't a man's life, even a gay man's life, more than just sex? It has to be. A man, a gay man, has to be more than just a penis seeking to shoot.

Sex cannot rule my life; there are too many other aspects of life to consider and frankly are more important.

In these moments and times, until something real comes along (if it ever does), tissues will have to suffice and/or a condom, makes clean-up easier.


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